My Tree House

So I got my butt whopped, figuratively, this morning by my doctor. Went for my biannual physical check up, yes, it has been two years since I got a check up Two years since I went off my meds, and two years since I really did anything to take care of myself.

I walked in the office, and the first thing they do, after they tell you to change into the hospital gown and have your butt air out, is to take your blood pressure. Mine was 190/104. That’s when the bells and whistles started going off. They kept asking me if I was feeling ok. Well, if I was feeling ok, I guess I wouldn’t have been there this morning, would I? The thing is, I have had a splitting headache for about a week now. Normally, my headaches go away with some meds. This time though, it hasn’t gone away. I’ve been taking two motrins in the morning and another two at night, and the headaches keep coming back. I have one now.

So, apparently, these darn headaches are my body’s way of telling me my BP has gone haywire and are threatening to burst. So I am back on BP meds, two of them. And just to continue my punishment for not taking care of myself, she has scheduled me for my first mamogram. Yuck! Oh, she also gave me a tetanus shot that is still hurting my arm like heck. But, what the heck, these things are supposed to prolong my life if they don’t kill me first.

The sound of silence can be defeaning. We talk but we don’t talk. Does that make sense? I still feel unresolved. I haven’t had closure from our last conversation and so I can’t go on.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

~Simon & Garfunkel

Things are still not quite kosher. Something has somehow gotten lost in the translation and still misunderstood. I don’t like getting upset because it does take me a long time to recover. I like to have closure. At the end of a conversation, especially like the one we had, I like to, at the end of it, have an understanding of what we accomplished and what we’ve decided. Instead, I feel like I’ve been left hanging again, to sit and wait…

Something that he said about my mom made me tear up more than any of the hurtful things he told me. My mother told him, “Well, she is my eldest daughter and she will always be special to me. I know she has a bad temper, you know that too, but in the end she always does the right thing”.

It just touches me, the love and loyalty my mother has always given me; it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. Now don’t get me wrong, my mother is not one of those mothers who are blindly loyal to their kids. Believe me, she will be the first one to point out when you are being stupid. But I know, no matter where in the world I am, no matter what kind of trouble I get myself into, I know my mom will always be there to catch me when I fall.

I hope I can do the same for my daughters. I hope I can allow them to be confident enough to venture out on their own but be secure in the knowledge that if they ever falter I will be there to catch them and kiss their booboos away.

What a way to start a new blog. I need room to rant, somewhere where nobody knows my name. To paraphrase the Cheers themesong.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Full Lyrics never actually aired

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?

All those night when you’ve got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it’s tail;
And your third fiance didn’t show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead;
The morning’s looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn’t even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there’s one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came…

I’m at a cross-roads. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, a mother and maybe soon to be ex-wife. After fourteen years of marriage maybe I’m finally seeing what has been brewing since the beginning. I gave it a go, but I guess now it’s time to let go.

I am just not a very good nurturer I guess. I am needy enough on my own. I don’t need to be catering to anybody elses insecurities. Some things you just can’t do anything about no matter how hard you try.